I’m not crazy.

Hypersexuality falls into the “reckless behavior” category of mania. But what exactly is hypersexuality? Hyper means hyperactive or unusually energetic. Put that alongside sexuality and you get “intensely horny”. Hypersexuality basically means you seek out sexual encounters to an unusually high level.

I remember my first run in with mania, I would literally be sifting through my contacts for potential sexual contact. Though this is not something I do normally, it never occurred to me that something was wrong. I’d go on to sleep with countless partners only because I was manic. Thank god I wasn’t on Tinder at the time.

When you’re manic, you don’t adhere to the same standards. Almost everyone looks like a as the kids say nowadays, “a snack.” Not your type? Totally fine because your manic brain easily makes everyone more attractive. Plus if you score, there are loads of endorphins to be sought for on top of already feeling like a god. Thank you Mania.

Most guys willingly perform the role I needed to fill. But some freak out at my newfound seductive nature despite me normally being quiet and reserved. Mania is a trip for everyone involved.

So my body count’s not where it used to be. And that’s ok. I’ve spent too many hours regretting my sexual encounters but I’ve come to terms with my illness and what it has in store.

Though it still blows my mind how manic can trigger pathways that induce hypersexuality (or reckless behaviors in general) in bipolar disorder.

I realize how I cannot control my manic impulses when it comes to hypersexuality because this past year I cheated on my boyfriend and I also cheated on the boyfriend after that before getting peppered sprayed and almost crashing my car.

Here’s what happened: I got pepper sprayed by my ex and instead of allowing me to wash my face until it stopped burning to drive home, a very not nice policeman told me to GTFO. So I left, but once I exited that place, my eyes started to swell and tear up so much so I couldn’t see. That was scarier than the pepper spray. I diverted into the nearest parking lot and rapidly poured water onto my face. Bad mistake. That just caused all the pepper spray on my forehead to drip into my eyes. It burned. That night my pillow burned me again after I’d transfer some residual pepper spray to it. Pepper spray’s no joke. But that cop was.

So back to cheating on the first ex.

I loved him I really did. He was my first Tinder date and we were approaching our one year anniversary. But that day I was full manic horny mode and he rejected me, you know? I wanted it BAD and all I got was a “no.” Granted I wanted to do it at my house and he wasn’t going to do it with my family’s friends over. Okay. So just like a wildfire I immediately went into crazy mode.

I told him I was going to break up with him and sleep with someone else that same night if he didn’t have sex with me. I know sounds real stupid.

I remember flipping a coin to decide whether we would break up and I’d hook up with someone else. Coin flipped. Heads. Tails. What does it matter. That was the first time I cheated on my ex.

Well, he took me back after much convincing from me. But all he could do was yell at me for what I’ve done. It gave me major stress. And I couldn’t handle it. I ran. Into the arms of another lover. The one that would later pepper spray me. So not cool. Well, cheating ‘s not either but there’s absolutely no reason to get violent.

Then I cheated on that boyfriend because I don’t know I felt like it? Our relationship wasn’t perfect by all means and that again is no reason to cheat but I guess mania wins with hypersexuality again.

But to those who suffer from guilt and regret from promiscuous behaviors during your mania days, remember there’s no shame in this. Here’s a story why.

I met this woman who was bipolar II. She was intensely sexual during her mania bouts. She spoke of going out one night with a guy who was tatted, looked kind of “gangster,” totally not her type. But to his home she went. Now explicit content warning: when he was giving her oral, she felt a tingling sensation down below. He had put cocaine in her vagina. She then laughed and said, “If anybody asks I’ve never done coke, but my pussy has.” LOL. Now isn’t that the right kind of attitude? How’s that for shameless personal reflection. She could be overwhelmed with guilt or shame but no, she has fun with her experiences.

When I’m depressed, mainly following a manic episode, I used to hate myself and drown in misery at all I’ve become. I’d slut shame myself to the point where it added a ton of weight to my depression. But now I realize there’s no point. Either people take the time to know you for who you really are or they can leave your life because you were “too much.” And that’s okay. You only have time for those who care about you and would never shame you for a mental illness.

So I guess you can say I’m crazy. But was that really me? Someone I can’t seem to control?

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